Cohabitation

, originally uploaded by sarahkit.

Falling asleep to the words "goodnight" having left two sets of lips at the same moment, made my heart skip far too many beats that first night.

Realizing that I had loved you before I met you gives me a still faith.

Knowing that your patience gives my stress the time it needs to wither away lets my hand lie comfortably in yours.

Cruising with the top down; day one BSB sing along, day two Crips and Bloods. You let me take AJ and Brian to your Howie and Kevin. We hadn't intended to end decades of gang violence with our love but it was worth it anyways.

Waking up in sunlight to your kisses after you had lay still so as to not disturb, makes me sure.







Love, love, love, how you can wrap me up.

Full Disclosure

Alebrijes, originally uploaded by sarahkit.

I have suddenly become aware of how freeing writing on the internet can be. The anonymity and ability to release all of ones thoughts without fear of reprisal or judgment from sources you look up to, allows one to be solely themselves. Typed letters can offer that full disclosure we are all afraid of.

Truth be it, earlier today I felt morally unable to purchase the slides of a series of family vacations at the Salvation Army. Despite the beauty of the 70's Hawaiian, Seattle and Arizona shots, being able to see the trusting smiles of husband and wife posing by begonias seemed too voyeuristic. I couldn't help but imagine what prompted their donation; divorce, death, release from material possessions, and I couldn't be party to benefiting from a force that had the ability to shake people to the core of their being. Now thinking back to it, perhaps I may have dramatized the situation a bit too much, but the fun of looking into the images of peoples life's seemed too much at that time.

This all was turned on it's head when I fell into the blog of a loved one an hour or so ago. I joked with friends ages ago at how dangerous emotional emails and MSN messenger can be, sentences can have inflection added where one invisions them. Blogging had seemed to me a benign state of transcendence; somehow apart from the desired judgment of others. But certainly that is not why one publishes their words. We all do it, as we do so achingly much in our lives, in hopes of allowing someone, anyone, in to that precious circle of love and understanding. Judgment comes with love - determining what is right or wrong in a person is a prerequisite of letting one love another. At least that is how it seems from my point of view. Therefore this medium is not without evaluation of our personhood.

I read her blog from current date until the end as I never have before and felt myself dating periods of our relationship to lie correspondingly with words set generically so as to remain anonymous to those that do not know her. When I first met her I looked but decided that for myself, it would be most beneficial to let any person open up to me as much as they chose - not peering into trusted emotions that may not be privy to me. Tonight however I was not of the same mind (funny that eh?). Maybe in an attempt to become closer, maybe out of postponing my own self exploration, I decided to read and wish now that I had held back.

I can’t remember where I read or heard this but it is an interesting thought to see how the world would play out if every child or person we met within certain age groups we called parent or child. To see the worth and potential in all as opposed to the small group that we can only naturally build with one on one connections. Would we care if we could let go of our hang-ups on our personal worth rising above the humanity of others? Would I judge her words as being an evaluation of who I am as opposed to where she is if she had told me how she felt face to face?

Maybe I am trying to fool myself in this forum of my thoughts to strangers but I think I am ok with the ability of an unknown person getting to see me. I, as we all can, put up guards of how I want others to see me and we do it further and mask our natures from our own eyes. If the internet is good for anything other than looking up new stitches on YouTube, it is for the humanity that it can give to anonymity. She deserves that pull away from judgment from me.

Maps & Dreams

, originally uploaded by sarahkit.

In being who I am, the ability to give love is the greatest gift in my world. Sometimes I take that for granted, other times I question it. There are times still when I can feel myself wanting to give over my whole into this great trust that we can build up into a word. Still though, it is something that we allow to be a save-all halo that can change everything. I am a believer in the universe unfolding as it likes while at the same time showing you little signs along the way to let you know you are on the right path. I guess it is all in the noticing.

Tonight I sat over torn up slices of maps that I took home from a recycling bin at work. Thinking I could make something lovely out of the remains I rolled them up on Valentines Day and tonight unfurled them in hopes of seeing some potential in the black squares of major cities and red streak of the 99.

Osoyoos I cut out and popped in a gaudy frame that I had painted white last summer. I grew up in this lake town seeing the Ogopogo with full certainty after learning that my mother had seen the same in her youth. Maybe this memory something that I have built up after the fact, but I can still look back at it in my heart and trust it completely; something far fetched but all the more worthwhile. When I was six a fish bit my foot and none of the adults believed me. That is until a 45 year old father of two had his own incident after heading down the slide set out a few meters offshore. I felt like a champion of truth.

I have memories of eating tacos over checkered tablecloths in a Mexican resturant set in an old movie theater with a slanty floor, the time when the water bomber picked up at our lake and flew right by overhead on it's way to fight fires, and the way that my brand new puppy peed on the road outside of the campsite of a very mean family. It was uphill but the yellow line encroached futher and further, passing the boundary into their site. That night I sung Molly lullabies in the back of my families minifan and kissed her on the soft spot of head to make her feel at home.

I would spend days on end floating in the shallows of Osoyoos Lake with my yearly snorkeling set, bought at Princes in Walla Walla Washington, hunting for gold. Each afternoon I would pull my chubby waterlogged body out of the cold for B&M beans and Tim's Cascade chips, clutching rocks that sparkled in the sideways sunlight. Flecks of fools gold were embedded in them and sometimes they seemed too made solely of silvery diamond specks as opposed to the yellow stuff. The smell of poplars gives my stomach memory of too many cherries in the best possible way.

Besides the general overview of Vancouver as a whole, British Columbia and Quebec found their ways onto the faces of classic paintings with the help of some tape to be hugged by the white frames. It could be wishful thinking that this new place may grow the same sort of memories for me but if we have the power to make our dreams happen we might as well give it a shot.

I have found myself choking back the future as of the past while. Weekly bursts of clarity and wakefulness flowing from abysses of all consuming passiveness come more frequently then they have ever and I know I am on the right path simply from that.

My own experience with love has been trying. The word I have chosen to describe so many of my experiences is often too hasty, in an attempt to make it so with air passing through my lips. I have come to understand that within me it is not in the needing or wanting but in the choosing. As it takes a life, flowing with the growth and contraction of relationships, the decision to stay committed to the steady core of a person. I am not a believer in souls and as our experiences open our eyes to ideologies and gentile opinions, this 'core' that we dream of will take on movements they will and will not choose. Still, if we open our hearts to this reality, despite the fact that we may not have made the same decisions as these few that are close to us, we will love that essence; the decision to go left or right, because they have made it themselves.

Growing up I had become more and more determined that the love that I would feel for a person would be the "truest" that I have ever felt. Today I will deny that statement that has stayed for longer than warranted. Each love is true in to itself. In its changing forms, it shapes our world. I can build expectation, hope, knowing, commitment and the ability to walk away. The ability to be love itself frees one from the binds of pity and hate. It levels.



I don't know what love has to do with taking this next big step in my life on some levels. Maybe it has to do with loving myself and following through on a dream, or perhaps the resembelence lies in not having to be afraid. Shit will happen, experiences will be had that may hurt or raise me to heights of wonder that I would have not known otherwise. Most of all I can't shake the feeling that moving on to this world in which I will walk for the first time on my own legs, will be what I let it. Live it without expectation or comparison, trying to follow my gut and to not loose track of who I am now or am begining to be.