I have suddenly become aware of how freeing writing on the internet can be. The anonymity and ability to release all of ones thoughts without fear of reprisal or judgment from sources you look up to, allows one to be solely themselves. Typed letters can offer that full disclosure we are all afraid of.
Truth be it, earlier today I felt morally unable to purchase the slides of a series of family vacations at the Salvation Army. Despite the beauty of the 70's Hawaiian, Seattle and Arizona shots, being able to see the trusting smiles of husband and wife posing by begonias seemed too voyeuristic. I couldn't help but imagine what prompted their donation; divorce, death, release from material possessions, and I couldn't be party to benefiting from a force that had the ability to shake people to the core of their being. Now thinking back to it, perhaps I may have dramatized the situation a bit too much, but the fun of looking into the images of peoples life's seemed too much at that time.
This all was turned on it's head when I fell into the blog of a loved one an hour or so ago. I joked with friends ages ago at how dangerous emotional emails and MSN messenger can be, sentences can have inflection added where one invisions them. Blogging had seemed to me a benign state of transcendence; somehow apart from the desired judgment of others. But certainly that is not why one publishes their words. We all do it, as we do so achingly much in our lives, in hopes of allowing someone, anyone, in to that precious circle of love and understanding. Judgment comes with love - determining what is right or wrong in a person is a prerequisite of letting one love another. At least that is how it seems from my point of view. Therefore this medium is not without evaluation of our personhood.
I read her blog from current date until the end as I never have before and felt myself dating periods of our relationship to lie correspondingly with words set generically so as to remain anonymous to those that do not know her. When I first met her I looked but decided that for myself, it would be most beneficial to let any person open up to me as much as they chose - not peering into trusted emotions that may not be privy to me. Tonight however I was not of the same mind (funny that eh?). Maybe in an attempt to become closer, maybe out of postponing my own self exploration, I decided to read and wish now that I had held back.
I can’t remember where I read or heard this but it is an interesting thought to see how the world would play out if every child or person we met within certain age groups we called parent or child. To see the worth and potential in all as opposed to the small group that we can only naturally build with one on one connections. Would we care if we could let go of our hang-ups on our personal worth rising above the humanity of others? Would I judge her words as being an evaluation of who I am as opposed to where she is if she had told me how she felt face to face?
Maybe I am trying to fool myself in this forum of my thoughts to strangers but I think I am ok with the ability of an unknown person getting to see me. I, as we all can, put up guards of how I want others to see me and we do it further and mask our natures from our own eyes. If the internet is good for anything other than looking up new stitches on YouTube, it is for the humanity that it can give to anonymity. She deserves that pull away from judgment from me.
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