wednesday

, originally uploaded by sarahkit.

Today I got into a rather unfortunate state. Close to tears for the whole morning, the only thing that turned it around was a complicated statistics workshop in which I learned that I wasn't the only one confused with parts of their life. It was actually pretty amusing, all of us running around, hurriedly trying to teach each other something about dividing sigma by the square root of N. Knowing that other people were just as perplexed with the task at hand me helped calm me down from my pent up little state of anxiety, even if for them only had to do with understanding probability.

My trip home became a turning point. I had found my self in a state of self pity; I watched my actions from afar, treading the path of clinging to my significant other in order to bring light and stability in my life. When stuff gets hard I try to distract myself and find comfort in structures that can protect me. Whether it be plain procrastination in running from a duty to myself in school or hiding away from a mother who has been at home fighting cancer for over a year. I distract. I find myself catching my toe on uneven ground, tripping up, and then trying to take away the embarrassment from myself by getting as far away from the place as possible. Like that actually helps a person. Sometimes if you can coax yourself into forgetting the moment in it's intierety.

Tonight I figured that instead of running off it's time to learn to watch where I put my feet. I need to look ahead and remind myself along the way that things can get bad but if I cover my eyes from difficulties as they build I allow myself to become a victim.

So all in all, in applying this to my actual world I need to recognise the state I have gotten myself in to, faults and all, and allow myself to return to ab emotional starting point. I need to be actively engaged in my life every day of the week, not just waking up Monday mornings on a bus as Sufjan Stephens stirs me to consciousness. I need to be a better partner and trust in the fact that the roles I played in the past hold no truth here that I don't let them. I need to be a better daughter and recognise that my mother deserves dependable love and attention. Her wrong decisions are hers. I need to be a better student; recognising that it is a privilege to have the opportunities that I have been given and that the path, duration and penetration of the lessons that I am being offered are up to me. I guess it all is, and I guess that this is a pretty good Wednesday night.